


Letting My Demons Win

by eagererudite



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-02-15 23:03:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2246628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eagererudite/pseuds/eagererudite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael and Gavin, friends for years, are off to their first year at college together and they couldn't be happier. However things take a turn for the worst when Gavin beings to develop a mental illness and Michael and their two roommates try to help the best they can. </p><p>Please head individual chapter trigger warnings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Emotional abuse

Here we are, Gavin thinks to himself, the first day of the rest of the rest of my life. Staring up at the yellow building he will be living for the next year, Gavin can’t believe he’s here, at an American university.

“You comin’ you fucking mong?” Michael chirps as he smacks Gavin over the back of the head.

Nothing like a solid smack from your best friend to make you lose your train of thought. Laughing, he follows the older boy over to the line to get their room assignments. Gavin and Michael knew they were both housed in the same building but refused to check any further to save room assignments for move in day, they wanted it to be a surprise.

“Name please?” The orientation leader asks a tad to bubbly for Michael’s liking as he gets to the front of the line.

“Michael Jones” he nonchalantly states.

“Alrighty! Jones, Jones, Jones,” she repeats as she runs her highlighter down the list, “ Ah, Jones there we are. Room 321, here you go!” She says handing Michael his key.

“Gavin Free.”

 She smiles at his accent, “Well Mr. Free, I hope you and Mr. Jones are friends. Room 323!”

“Michael we’re suite mates! This is bloody top!” He bounces as he gets his key from the orientation leader.

“Yeah, yeah, keep your dick in your pants you fucking weirdo. Let’s go get moved in.” Michael’s comment stings a little, like many of his comments do. But Gavin shakes it off and smiles, like he usually does, and follows Michael toward the elevator.

He never really likes the side comments and remarks that Michael makes, but he finds them funny so Gavin smiles and never says anything for the sake of the friendship. Looking over at his suitemate as the elevator comes to a stop, he can’t help but smile. Despite his foul mouth and dry Jersey humor, Gavin truly loved spending time with and being friends with Michael. This was going to be a great year.

They enter Michael’s room, finding someone else’s things are already in there and voices echoing from the room next door.

There are two boys standing there, a taller one who has broad shoulders and brown hair and a shorter one who is stick skinny with black hair and glasses.

“Sup, I’m Michael and this asshole is Gavin.”

Another forced smile.

“Who are you guys?”

“I’m Ryan,” the broad shouldered boy answered, “and this is Ray.”

“Sorry about your roommate, Ryan” Michael laughs as he turns to start unpacking. The other boys start to laugh so Gavin does too. He never understood why Michael has to be mean to be funny.

Nevertheless, he drags his stuff into the room he and Ryan share and begins unpacking his belongings; Gavin’s idea of unpacking involved throwing all his clothing boxes in his closet and his school supplies on his desk. The most important things to set up properly were his xbox, tv, and bed had to all be ready to go, nothing else really mattered.

Eventually winning the wrestling match with his mattress cover and sheets, Gavin flops onto his bed. Whining he rolls to face his roommate, “Ryan I’m hungry. Can we go to Bartels? Please Ryan?”

“God your accent makes your whining just _barely_ bearable, sure. Let me see if the other two want to come with us. “

“Hey assholes, you two done touching butts?” He calls to the other room stepping into the common room, “Whiney over here is hungry and I could go for pizza.” Laughter erupted from the other room, “Yeah Ryan, let me put my dick back in my pants.” A voice Gavin didn’t recognize said, so he assumes it’s Ray. 

“C’mon Gav, let’s go eat.” Ryan beems thinking of the all you can eat pizza waiting for him.

* * *

 

After they all get their food, Gavin picks a seemingly unoccupied area of the cafeteria, plops down and begins stuffing his face.

“Looking to gain that freshman fifteen early are we, Gavvers?” Michael chuckles. Suddenly the food doesn’t taste so good. Ryan notices Gavin stops eating and just plays with his mashed potatoes instead.

“So,” he chimes in breaking the silence, “How long have you two known each other?”

Gavin’s eyes light up, “Can I tell it Michael? Can I? Can I? Can I?” Michael just shrugs popping another piece of popcorn chicken into his mouth.

“Michael and I met a few years ago on BlogTV.” The boys wear matching smiles thinking about that day, “I was watching a few different streams of girls just hanging out or at sleep overs, stuff like that. But, they got really boring so I wondered into gaming section of BlogTV and found a tiny red head with the mouth of a trucker.” They all had a good laugh either remembering or imagining the site.

“He had a large number of people coming in for Banjo Kazooie and a larger number leaving because of his mouth.” Gavin giggles thinking about all the comments on the stream that day.

“People can type their comments to the person hosting, and all of them were people telling Michael to calm down the language. He had a camera on the screen so we could watch him play and one on his face and you could see him roll his eyes when someone complained, it was really funny. Anyway, I was the last one left so we ended up talking for hours and traded gamertags so we could play together later.”

“How romantic.” Ryan and Ray say at the same time exchanging a glance.

“So he kicked my ass a few times at COD before we traded numbers after those few hours on Live together and we pretty much talked all the time. So when I decided I wanted to go to Uni in America, I applied wherever Michael did so I wouldn’t be completely alone in a new country. And yeah, here we are.” He finishes the story smiling so hard Ray swore his face would get stuck like that.

“Yeah, I’m so fucking happy about it too. Now this asshole is in my life forever” Michael said coldly. Gavin’s heart sank, but instead of getting upset, he scoops up mashed potatoes and flings them at him.

“Jesus, just when I thought I wouldn’t have any competition for the only cute red head on campus. Will you two make out already?” Ray jokes, earning himself a middle finger from each of the boys.

“Man I haven’t streamed in a while, maybe we should all get on BlogTV tonight? Play MarioKart or something? It could be fun.” Michael suggests and the table agrees, after pudding, they will stream together. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where the story begin to get dark, so please take the TW's seriously.
> 
> TW: Depression, eating disorders, verbal and emotional abuse

Back in the dorm room, three of the boys huddle around Ray’s T.V. which is the largest and hook up Michael’s Wii.

“Hey Michael?” Gavin asks from the red head’s bed.

“Mmh?”

“Can I stay up here? It’s comfy and smells like you.”

“Seriously, you guys are so gay.” Ray says rifling through his desk drawer looking for AA batteries. The room laughed, but Gavin felt his heart sink a little; it confused him.

They all log onto and make an account with BlogTV: LtMkilla, LtMkilla2 which Michael used to stream the T.V., Gavinofree, Brownman, and BM_Vegabond. Michael tweets that he and some friends are about to go live, and that people should come watch them. They sit down in various places around the room with their respective cameras focused on themselves, and the T.V. As the chat and game load, Gavin looks at his image, he notices his double chin. He stacks some books under the laptop to raise it up. Now you could see his tummy, he pulls the front of his pants out and tucks his tummy away and diminish the look of rolls.

They’re live.

People saw him adjusting his stomach; the comments flood in.

_Fucking fat ass tuck it away. Why don’t you go cry about it to Ben and Jerry? I bet those aren’t the only two men he puts in his mouth regularly. What a fucking loser._

The comments sting but Gavin ignores them; he learned how ruthless the internet is from watching Michael.

He just wasn’t expecting to get _so_ hated so fast. There are comments in the feed about the other boys too; they seem to be ignoring them.

Except Ray, he eggs them on.

“Really? BrownMan ain’t that brown? That’s all you have for me? Shits weak!”

Gavin’s attention is divided between the game and the flood of comments. Some are encouraging, cheering him on and rooting for him, but most are hurtful.

“Too busy thinking about sucking Michael off to focus?” Ray breaks into Gavin’s thoughts, “I mean

Michael said you sucked but I refuse to believe you’re always this bad.” The other three laugh in agreement and the comments respond accordingly. Gavin however, felt this cloud settle over him. The round finishes with Michael winning and Gavin coming in last; he excuses himself, grabs his laptop, and shuffles to his room.

Stripping down to his boxers, he looks in the mirror. His nose is so annoying, it takes up all of his face. His thighs touch even with his feet shoulder length apart. Turning sideways he looks at his stomach, grabbing at it he sighs. What he would do to have a flat stomach like Michael. He can eat whatever he wants and never gain an ounce. Gavin can’t do that, if he even looks at cake and gains twenty pounds.

Crawling into bed, he pulls an extra pillow to himself and wraps his body around it. He’s never felt like this before. It’s hard to breath, like there’s someone sitting on his chest. His heart is heavy and his thoughts are quiet. The air feels thick, like the world is crushing him. He can feel the tears well up in his eyes. He takes a shaky deep breath to try and settle down. This must just be from the comments, he assures himself. If he goes to sleep, he’ll feel better in the morning. He has to.

At some point during the night, Ryan came back into the room, “Gav, you feeling okay?” Without rolling over to look at him, “Yeah, dinner just isn’t sitting right, that’s all.” Not entirely convinced, Ryan puts a gentle hand on his exposed shoulder, “Let me know if you need anything, okay?” Gavin doesn’t answer, he can’t. The tears he was trying so hard to stop begin to fall silently as he curls even tighter around his pillow drifting off into a restless sleep. Ryan crawls into bed, staring at Gavin. There’s something wrong here. He doesn’t know Gavin well, but he knows this can’t be right.

* * *

 

His eyes open as Ryan’s alarm goes off. For a moment he feels better but, before he can finish his hopeful thought, the waves of gray come crashing back down around him. Sliding out of bed, he starts getting ready for day one of orientation.

Getting ready this morning feels like he is on autopilot. The weight in his chest is still there and he spends longer looking in the mirror nitpicking than he usually does. Michael sneaks up behind him and throws his arms around the taller man’s neck, “Morning Gavvers! Ready for the day?” Spinning around and flashing a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “You bet! First day of school in America with my boi? How can it get any better?” A blush creeps across the older man’s face, their faces so close Gavin could feel his breath against his skin. Dropping his arms from Gavin’s neck, Michael smiles and steps into the bathroom closing the door behind him. Gavin stands alone in the common room. Alone. That’s a good word to describe how he’s feeling right now, despite the fact his best friend is right on the other side of the door.

Gavin is in a wonderful school with his best friend and his roommates are really awesome. He is studying Media Arts, a subject he’s super passionate about, and his first four days at school were full of orientation and no actual work. There is no reason for him to be sad, and yet here is more sad and empty than he ever had been in his entire life.

He felt deflated, and there is no reason for it.

* * *

 

After hours of orientation, they break for lunch. Gavin tags along for lunch and gets a tray of food, slightly smaller than the day before. Today he doesn’t eat much, just plays with it. Ryan immediately notices, “Gavin, you feeling okay? You’ve hardly eaten.” Gavin feels his heart sink as he hears Ryan try and hide the concern in his voice, “Yeah, my stomach still hurts. I thought I could eat but looking at it, I can’t.” Not entirely convinced but not wanting to cause a scene, Ryan nods and drops the topic for which Gavin is grateful.

He did have toast for breakfast, claiming the same thing. But in reality, he just wasn’t up to eating. It’s not that he wasn’t hungry; he just didn’t want to eat. The comments from last night were still swimming around in his head.

That’s what they called him. He didn’t think he was fat, at least the thought never crossed his mind until last night. Now it consumed all of his thoughts.

He knew he wasn’t in great shape but he never thought about using that word to describe himself. Maybe he should go to the gym later. Run on the treadmill for a little bit or something. That would make him feel better. Right?

* * *

 

An hour into his run, Gavin gets a text:

Micoo [6:32:19PM]: Hey asshole, we’re getting dinner. Coming?

Gavvers [6:32:58PM]: No thanks, I’m in the middle of my work out

Micoo [6:33: 45PM]: You sure? Want me to bring you something?

Gavvers [6:34:03PM]: Yeah, I’ll just get something at the smoothie shack downstairs before I leave

And with that Gavin returned to focusing on his run. He had no idea why or how he is able to keep running, but it made him feel better. Like maybe if he kept running his thighs and stomach would stop bouncing with every step and just fall off. Running made the clouds go away after a while too, which was nice. Not long after he started sweating they started to disappear.

Maybe this is something he should do every day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mental health is just as important as physical health, if you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health issue don't be afraid to reach out to someone. Some hotlines can be found here: http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines
> 
> Chapter 3 should be out no later than Wednesday, my work schedule finally settled down.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more plot and less heavy on mental illness. 
> 
> TW: anorexia, alcohol abuse, near physical abuse

“It’s been fucking _months_ Ray, I’m worried about him.”

“I’m sure if something was _actually_   wrong he’d talk to you, you’re his ‘boi’ right?”

“I know, I know. But what if this isn’t just a fitness binge? What if he’s sick?”

“I don’t get how Gavin getting in shape is a bad thing. If he wasn’t happy with himself, let him change it. I don’t see how him working out means he’s sick?”

“Okay, but when’s the last time you’ve seen him eat anything other than breakfast and a salad for dinner?” Ray paused, not sure of when that actually was. Gavin doesn’t snack when they game anymore, drink soda or Red Bull, he usually works out through when they eat lunch. Maybe Michael has a point.

“See? You can’t think of it can you? There’s something wrong with him, I know my best friend and this isn’t him. It just isn’t.” His voice trails off as his eyes drop from Ray’s face to the floor. Michael can feel the tears well up and start to spill over.

“Fuck.” He whispers as he takes off his glasses and wipes the tears. Ray scooches from the foot of the bed forward and pulls Michael into a hug, slowly rubbing his back as Michael quietly. Sniffling, Michael pulls away, “Fuck man, you really need deodorant.”

“Here I was trying to be nice to you, fucking asshole.” Ray smiles throwing his hands in the air.

* * *

 

Michael spends the next week trying to get Gavin to stop working out, even if just for a day.

“No Michael, I’m sorry. I can’t miss a day.”

“C’mon Gav,” he pleads, “You’ve gone every day since the first week of school. We’re weeks away from Christmas break, you can take a day and get lunch with me” continuing much quieter, “Please? Gav?”

“No, I told you. I cannot miss a day.” Gavin’s voice getting a little louder, obviously frustrated.

“Why? Why can’t you fucking skip a day? Huh?” Michael starts shouting, “Are you really fucking afraid that one goddamn lunch will make you fat? I can fucking turn you sideways and see past you Gav, this isn’t healthy!” The tears start to well up in Michael’s eyes again.

“Yeah, you’re one to lecture me on health Mr. lives on Red Bull and Easy Mac. I bet –“ Gavin’s rebuttal is cut off by Michael’s fist slamming into the wall next to his head.

Michael huffs and storms out of the dorm tears rolling down his face, not giving a shit who sees him cry. Stalking across campus so he can walk off all this pent up anger and frustration. Some tattoo’d kid leaning against a wall called out to him, “Hey man, want some?” holding out a water bottle.

“No. I’m not thirsty.” He snapped.

“It’s not water asshole, it’s vodka and you’re obviously pissed off as hell. Drink up.” Michael hesitates, but then shuffles over to the mustached man.

“Michael,” he says before he presses the bottle to his lips and chugs.

“Geoff,” he says pulling another water bottle out of his back pack, “So what’s up with you?”

Gagging, Michael looks back at the bottle. He’s drank about half of it, within a few minutes he’ll be drunk enough to tell a stranger about his problems. As he waits for the vodka to hit him, he gets to know the stranger who gave him vodka.

Goeff turns out to be a late sophomore, so he’s actually 21. He is a media arts major from Alabama who wants to move out to Texas when he graduates, if he graduates. He isn’t quite sure the whole ‘college thing’ is for him. Plus a friend has an idea for some company and he is pretty confident it’ll do well. He seems like a cool dude.

Michael can’t see Geoff, the vodka finally hit and the words just started pouring out.

“My best friend would rather fucking work out that spend time with me. I’m not only losing him emotionally but physically too, he’s shriveling away. Why is Gavin so obsessed with being thin? Kid was a fucking toothpick when we got here. I may not have the healthiest diet but at least I doesn’t spend hours at the gym and eat fucking rabbit food every night for dinner. I can’t remember the last time I saw Gavin eat dessert,” his voice trails off, “Gavin used to love pudding.”

“Dude, that’s fucked up. I can tell you care about him, but you like _really_ care about him.”

“Of course I fucking care about him. He’s my boi. Gavin is sick. What kind of sick I don’t know, but I knows he is. What’s more frustrating than anything is that Gavin won’t admit it. Whenever I bring it up, he gets defensive and reflects accusations back at me! Saying that whatever I do is worse than his shit.  What is his problem? Can’t he see that I’m just trying to help? That I cares about him, a lot. Gavin is a wonderful friend with a heart of gold,” the tears start to well up again,” or he used to be. All I want is my best friend back, not whatever it is that is walking around in Gavin’s skin.”

“That’s really rough man. Have you ever thought about telling him how you feel?”

“Of course, I tell him all the time I’m worried about his health.”

“No, not like that. Have you ever told him about much you care about him?”

“Well he should know, we’re best friends.”

“Should know yes, maybe hearing that you care about him will help. And if shit hits the fan, come to Ruden 3 and I’ll help you drown out whatever it is that’s eating you.”

“I might take you up on that.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in update, been a really busy few weeks. Gonna do my best to stay on a schedule now!
> 
> Mental health is just as important as physical health, if you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health issue don't be afraid to reach out to someone. Some hotlines can be found here: http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another heavy chapter, so please take the TW's seriously!
> 
> Trigger warnings: Anorexia, bulimia, depression, binging and purging, vomit

After Michael stormed out, Gavin can’t process what happened. Michael nearly hit him. His hand landed next to his face. Doesn’t Michael understand how important the gym is to him? Doesn’t he understand how bad about himself he feels?

There’s that pit in his stomach again, the pit he knows working out can fix. The pit he can’t find a fix for. He opens the cabinet and takes out a package of ramen noodles; ramen always used to make him feel better. He sticks it in the microwave and pulls out a chocolate bar, eating the whole thing before the ramen is done.

Trying not to spill his ramen, he sits at his desk and opens his laptop to watch youtube videos until he finishes eating. Happily slurping down the last of his noodles, he plops the bowl down next to his laptop. Glancing away from the screen, he notices the package is upside down on his desk. The nutrition facts are facing him. 188 calories per serving, servings per package 2.

His heart sinks.

He just had 350 calories from the ramen noodles alone. Springing up from his chair he frantically digs into the garbage, he pulls out the chocolate wrapper. 210 calories.

The pit in his stomach returns tenfold. He just ate 560 calories in one sitting.

Scrambling to pull his phone from his back pocket, he checks the time: 8:39 PM. The gym closed at 8:30. There’s no way he can work off all these calories tonight.

His heart sinks farther and his heart rate picks up. He’ll have to hold out until after his classes tomorrow. He was 300 calories over his limit for the day, which means to make up for his eating tonight he has to skip breakfast tomorrow. That’s fine. Nothing he hasn’t done before. But he’s never been this far over his limit. He’s never been so careless with his eating. This is all Michael’s fault. If he hadn’t yelled at him, this pit wouldn’t have been there to begin with.

He crawls into bed, pulling his knees to his chest, and tries to swallow the nausea.

_I can throw up, maybe that will help? That will at least get the food out of my body. If it’s not digested I can’t gain the calories. Right?_

He rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling; _if I throw up does that mean I have a problem? It’ll just be once. Never again. It’s just because I can’t get to sleep if I feel this sick. That’s all. There’s no way Tums will help, I’m way too queasy._

Rolling out of bed, his feet land heavy on the floor as he shuffles to the bathroom.

_This is the only time. Never again. Just so I can get to sleep tonight._

He locks the bathroom door behind him, and kneels down next to the toilet. Staring into the bowl, he takes a deep breath and shoves his fingers down his throat.

Wretching a few times, he watches as everything he ate come back up. His throat burns, but the pit in his stomach diminishes. A sigh of relief escapes his lips. _Much better._ Flushing away his worries, he feels guilt creep over him.

_This isn’t healthy. Maybe Michael was right. Maybe there **is** something wrong. No. Fuck him. Mingy little prick. He’s just uptight and taking his stress out on me. He’s the one with problems, not me._

He drags his feet back over to bed and slumps in, burying himself in his blankets and drifts off into an angry sleep.

* * *

His last class of the day finally ends, and Gavin rushes back to the dorm to change into his workout gear. Practically flinging open his dorm room door, he causes Ryan to nearly jump out of his skin.

“Christ Gav, what the fuck?”

“Sorry Ryan, I’m running late,” scurrying to his closet and flinging off his clothes.

“Late? Late for what? I thought you ended classes at 2:30?”

“I don’t have any more classes, but I’m headed to the gym.”

“The gym? Again?” Gavin shoots him a look, “Not that I have a problem with it, I’m just curious what you’re late for?”

“If I don’t get there before 2:45 all the treadmills are taken and I need to use an elliptical instead. I don’t like them.”

“Uh huh, gotcha. Okay, well, have fun I guess.” There was a tone in his voice Gavin didn’t quite like, but at least he wasn’t going to off and smack him like Michael nearly did.

2:42PM. Crap, he’s almost late. Grabbing the nearest water bottle, he runs back out the door towards the gym.

* * *

Micoo [4:32:19PM]: Don’t forget we’re streaming tonight

Gavvers [4:32:58PM]: Okay, what time again?

Micoo [4:33: 45PM]: In an hour, don’t be late again

Late again, that’s so condescending. Michael is always late for everything. Who is he to judge Gavin on his timing. _Maybe to spite him, I’ll just not show up. Fuck him. I’m so tired of him judging me and bossing me around. I don’t need him. All he ever does is make me feel even shittier about myself. Like I need help with that. I already hate me, I don’t need him hating me too._

He turns up the incline and resistance on the treadmill and digs deep, running like he’s never run before. He feels the tears well up in his eyes and a lump rise in his throat. He swallows them away, not letting them control him anymore. He doesn’t need Michael, he has school and the gym, that’s all Gavin needs.

He watches as the time ticks by; 5:00, 5:15, 5:25, 5:30. His phone rings a few times, Michael and Ryan call him each twice. He watches as their calls ring out, Michael leaves a voicemail that Gavin doesn’t even need to hear. He knows what it’ll say. It’ll be the same as all the other voicemails he leaves when Gavin disappoints him, ‘Gavin you piece of shit, where are you? What the fuck man?’ or something of the sort just squashing Gavin down a little bit farther.

~~~

The time is finally 6:30. Gavin had been running for nearly four hours, fueled by his anger toward Michael, he hadn’t even noticed. After toweling off the treadmill he makes his way back home. He doesn’t make it halfway down the stairs before the room begins to swim in front of him. Holding onto the railing, he steadies himself and clamps his eyes shut until the swimming in his brain stops.

Minutes pass, but the swimming finally stops. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he mentally calculates how much he ate today.

He worked off everything he ate and then 500 calories extra. No wonder he doesn’t feel well. Crackers. When he gets back to the room he’ll eat crackers; that should ease his nausea.

Making his way back to the dorm room, he swallows hard only assuming what was waiting for him on the other side. He was right. Opening the door he’s greeted by a very angry looking Michael.

“Where the fuck have you been?” The redhead growls.

“The gym, where else do you bloody think I’d be?” Gavin shouts back.

“You left for the gym at 2:30 Gav, this isn’t healthy! You worked out for four fucking hours, man. You have a problem!”

“Me? I have a problem? I’m not the one who came stumbling back into the room smelling of booze last night!”

“Excuse me?”

“You think I don’t know? You made such a racket stumbling in here last night I’m surprised Ray didn’t wake up!”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Gavin? Did you ever **_once_** stop to think why I was out with Geoff? Did you? No, you fucking didn’t. I was out with him because of you Gavin. I was out drinking because of you! Because I don’t have a best friend anymore! The gym fucking consumed him and spit out whatever sorry sack of shit is standing in front of me! This isn’t Gavin. You aren’t Gavin anymore!”

The room falls eerily silent. The only noise ushered is Michael’s shaky breathing. After a long pause, Gavin takes a deep breath.

“Well this is me, and if you don’t like it you can fucking piss off.”

“Wh-what?” Michael looks dumbfounded.

“Take me as I am, or fucking get out of my life. You live next door but we don’t have to be friends.”

“Why can’t you open your fucking eyes?! You’re sick! There’s nothing left to you! I could snap you in half with my pinky finger! I’m scared for you Gav, I care about you! Why can’t you see that?” His voice trails off as tears begin to roll down his face.

“That’s the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard. If you cared you wouldn’t make me feel like shit every time you spoke to me.”

Michael opens his mouth to say something, but stops. Nothing at this point will get through to Gavin. There’s no point in trying anymore. He lost the fight and he’s lost his best friend.

Michael brushes past Gavin and walks out the front door. Unlocking his phone he texts Geoff:

Jersey Mike [6:42:18PM]: I hope you meant what you said last night. And I sure as hell hope you’re home and stocked. I’m coming over.

Geoff Ramsey [6:43:23PM]: My door is always open bud, there’s a couch here for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mental health is just as important as physical health, if you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health issue don't be afraid to reach out to someone. Some hotlines can be found here: http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This next chapter is based heavily on my own experience with depression, anxiety, and anorexia. The thoughts in this next chapter are very realistic. PLEASE take the trigger warnings seriously. This chapter is extremely dark.
> 
> TW: depression, anxiety, anorexia, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, self harm

**Day 1:** Today is the first day I feel 100% completely alone. Michael and I aren’t friends anymore. I have Ryan, but he’s not the same. Michael is a big reason I’m so sad, but I think I might be sadder without him. Looks like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I feel shitty with him but just as shitty without him. Maybe one day I’ll learn to be okay without him. Today isn’t that day. I can hear his laugh through the walls; it makes my heart ache even more. I wish I couldn’t feel this sadness, its crippling. Maybe not feeling would be better than feeling all of this.

**Day 3:** Exams start next week, I haven’t even started studying. I can’t bring myself to care. School used to matter so much to me, now I couldn’t be bothered. I don’t get it. Without Michael my world is black and white, but with him is colored yet painful. I really should study. I really should. I just don’t see the point anymore. Who cares if I fail, my grades are good enough that I won’t flunk the class. It’s a waste of my time. I want to go to the gym, I want to sweat away my feelings but I can’t bring myself to get out of bed let alone walk there and actually start working out. Ryan keeps asking if I’m okay. He knows I’m lying, I’m sure of it.

**Day 7:** Today is the last day of exams. I fly home tonight, I wish I could say I’m sad to leave my friends but I don’t have any. Ryan is the closest thing I have to a friend right now. Michael is getting on just fine without me, I can hear his laughter. I had a panic attack last night. It came out of nowhere. I felt funny and then I was hyperventilating. I held my breath and just let my chest spasm. Ryan tried to help, but his hands felt like needles on my skin. All he could do was whisper, telling me it’ll be okay. It was eventually. The spasms stopped and the crying started. Ryan held me. So I just cried myself to sleep in his lap. I woke up there this morning. I don’t remember the last time I actually ate was.

**Day 14:** I’ve been home a full week, I thought being away from Michael would make things better. It doesn’t. I just miss him more. I know I shouldn’t. I know he’s awful and cruel to me. But I miss him. My entire body aches for him, for his arms wrapped around me again. Ryan messaged me to check in, I told him I was fine and we talked for a bit. He’s not the same, but I appreciate him trying. My mom told me I’m too skinny. That I should eat more. But even if I wanted to I couldn’t. The idea of food makes me sick. I can’t even stomach the idea of cereal or crackers. Food has lost all appeal. I drink Gatorade, but those are all the calories I get. I know I’m sick now, but there’s nothing I can do. My best friend couldn’t handle me, there’s no way a stranger could. I haven’t felt happy in so long. I think I’m depressed.

**Day 17:** I cut today. I cut the top of my left foot. The skin is thin so I don’t have to try so hard. If I wear socks no one can tell. I remember thinking not feeling would be better than sadness. Nothing is worse than emptiness. I feel like all the light and life has been sucked out of me. I don’t think I’ve showered in a few days. I don’t know what day it actually is. Ryan messaged me again, I couldn’t bring myself to answer him. My mom will pop in to check on me, but it’s not so frequent anymore. My dad won’t even look at me. I feel like I’ve let them down by being sick. They’ve given me so much and yet I’m such a mess. I’m a failure.

**Day 22:** Panic attacks are routine now. Every night before I fall asleep my body tries to shake itself awake or apart, I’m not sure which. It’s a horrible feeling, not being able to breath. I found myself wishing my heart would stop last night. That maybe this will be the one that pushes my body past the breaking point and will take this all away. I don’t like feeling like this. Alone. Empty. Sad. I feel like my whole world is slowly fading into gray. Maybe one day I’ll fade out too. Michael won’t miss me. He hasn’t spoken to me since that night. I wish I knew what to say, but the thought of him makes me nearly slip into an attack. My ankles stick out all funny now. I can see my hip bones nicely though. I actually had food today for lunch, but I threw it right back up. It was like my body didn’t know what to do with food.

**Day 25:** I move back in in 11 days. I’m not ready for it. I have to go, my mom and dad will kill me if I drop out. I have to just stop being such a piece of shit and sack up, as Michael would say. I wonder if he misses me. There’s a hole in my soul he left when he walked out the door that night. Who am I kidding, he has Ray and Geoff, he doesn’t need me. I bet he wouldn’t even notice if I didn’t show up. He’s better off without me. He always was. I hold him back.

**Day 28:** 8 more days. I feel more sick than I ever have. Anytime school even crosses my mind I feel like I could vomit. If the thought dwells on my mind for too long, I panic. I’m so pathetic. It seems like the only thing I can do right is hurt myself and disappoint others. I’m starting to run out of space on my left foot. I may have to move to the right soon. The cuts take longer to heal than I thought they would. Who knew. I never thought I’d be here. But now that I am, I don’t see a way out. I don’t see how I can possibly get any better. Not that I really want to. I don’t want to live much anymore. I wish I could just push a button and not exist anymore. Wipe every trace of me from the planet so no one would even know I was ever there. I bet nothing would change. I’m not that important.

**Day 35:** Tomorrow is the day. We move back in. I can’t deal with this. Ryan is going to know, Ray will avoid me, and Michael will probably scream at me again. I wonder if the stairs in the building lead to the roof. Four stories to the pavement should do it. Maybe I won’t ever come home again. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. I make my parents miserable anyway. I can see it in their eyes, they feel sorry for me. I’m such a waste of space. If I were on this plane back to America alone, I’d probably just dump the plane in the ocean. No body to mourn, everyone would get on with their lives. It’ll be just like I disappeared.  

**Day 36:** I can’t do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're struggling know you are not alone. There are others like you, like me, out there willing to be a support group for you. We won't carry your baggage for you but we will share the load. So remember mental health is just as important as physical health, if you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health issue don't be afraid to reach out to someone. Some hotlines can be found here: http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is from Michael's point of view
> 
> tw: alcohol abuse

**Day 1:** Me and my big fucking mouth ruined everything. I lost Gavin and last night I lost my fucking mind. I went to Geoff’s and drank until I couldn’t see anything or remember who Gavin even was. I woke up next to an empty bottle of vodka with a hole in my chest and a pounding in my head. I can’t let him know I miss him. I won’t give him that power. He doesn’t get to know how much losing him hurts. As far as I’m concerned, he gets to think I’m just fine without him. He’ll never know how much losing him hurts.

**Day 3:** Gavin hasn’t been showing up to the class we share.  I think he’s avoiding me. It makes it easier though, so I’m grateful. I’ve spent nearly every night drinking at Geoff’s trying to bury the hurt. It works for a little while. Like the medicine to make Gavin disappear is at the bottom of the bottle, but in the morning all the feelings I pushed away all night come flooding back. I should stop going out and study for finals, but I really don’t care about school. I never have. I’m good at it, but I don’t ever study. So I probably won’t. I wonder what would happen if I took a final drunk? Or even all of them. The minute I sober up everything hurts. I never knew how much he meant until he was gone. Maybe when he goes back to England he’ll be easier to forget.

**Day 7:** I thought I heard him crying last night. I’ve never heard him cry so I couldn’t be sure, but I’d bet he was. That’s why I left for Geoff’s; I couldn’t handle being so close to him hurting and not do anything. I drank so much I passed out. I couldn’t handle it. It felt like every piece of me was broken, like there were tears ready to fall at any given moment. I held it together though. I didn’t let myself cry in front of Geoff. Gavin would be the only person I would ever let myself actually cry in front of. But he’s the reason I feel this way. He’s the reason I drink. He’s what I’m trying to drown out of me.

**Day 14:** It’s been a week since I’ve seen Gavin, even longer since I’ve heard his voice. I never thought I’d miss the way his stupid fucking accent sounds. The stupid fucking way he says my name. I fucking hate that I miss him so much. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since I left school but this pain is too much to handle but my parents are going away tonight. I’ll probably drink Gavin away again. It’s easier to forget him when I can’t think at all.

**Day 17:** I can’t escape him. He’s on my mind all the time, even in my dreams. I miss the way he sounds; I was tempted to call him to hear his voice. But I didn’t. The thought of him ignoring my call and not answering was enough to bring me to tears. I hate I pushed him away and I hate he pushed back. That’s not how were supposed to work. I push away and he pulls me back, that’s what we do. He’s not supposed to be the one who walks away. He’s not supposed to give up on me. He’s supposed to always be there for me. He knows how broken I am. He knows I can’t do this without him. He knows I care, at least he used to.

**Day 22:** I wonder how he’s doing. I wonder if Dan has gotten through to him. If his parents care and have gotten him help. I’ve been drinking all day, every day. It doesn’t matter though; I don’t leave my room much less my bed. All I do is lie here thinking about him and trying to drink the thoughts away. I wrote out a whole apology to him last night, telling him how sorry I am and how much I miss him. I never sent it though; I doubt he’d even reply. He’s probably blocked my number by now, I would have. He deserves better than me, but I can’t handle that. I can’t him being anyone’s but mine.

**Day 25:** We move back in in 11 days. I’m excited to see Geoff, Ray, and Ryan but the thought of seeing Gavin again, being so close to him, makes my heart stop. I mean I’ve always been excited to see him, nervous too I guess, but this is different. It feels like all the pain I feel will go away if I can just _fix this_. That’s all I want. I want my Gavin back. I need him back. I don’t know how I’ll be able to survive school without him. I probably won’t. Without him, I don’t know who I am. He is my better half; he’s everything I wish I could be. He makes me want to be better. But instead all I am is awful. I don’t understand why I push him so hard, why I’m so mean. He doesn’t deserve it and I don’t deserve him.

**Day 28:** I blacked out drinking last night, 8 more days is more than I can handle. I went through my phone to see if I texted or called anyone. There was one call to Gavin, but it didn’t last long enough to ring. It’s probably for the best though, he’s probably fine. Geoff and I had a good long talk; I talked a lot about Gavin. Probably a bit too much. But whatever. He’s my best friend, my rock, of course I’m going to talk about him black out drunk when I miss him more than I knew was humanly possible. It’s normal.

**Day 35:** Tomorrow I get to see him again. I can’t wait to see him. I bet he looks great, I bet his parents got him help. He’s probably recovering and getting better. I found out what he has is called anorexia, but there’s a name for it and a treatment so he can get better. It shouldn’t have been too hard. Gav is strong. He always has been. He’s always there to put me together when I fall apart. Geoff and I are drinking tonight on skype to celebrate the new semester coming in.

**Day 36:** I woke up to a video message from Geoff. It was from last night. It was about three minutes of me rambling about how wonderful Gavin is and how much I miss him, how excited I am to see him. Then I paused and starting crying whispering “oh god, no”. I looked back to the screen and told Geoff something I never thought I’d tell a soul. I think I’m in love with Gavin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update again, midterms were a bitch. 
> 
> If you're struggling, know you are not alone. There are others like you, like me, out there willing to be a support group for you. We won't carry your baggage for you but we will share the load. So remember mental health is just as important as physical health, if you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health issue don't be afraid to reach out to someone. Some hotlines can be found here: http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The look Ryan gave him when Gavin walked through the door would haunt his dreams that night; he knew it.
> 
> TW: Self-harm, depression

Gavin walks through the door and flashes Ryan the best smile he can muster but the reaction from Ryan wasn’t what Gavin expected. Ryan begins to smile, but as he registers the shadow of his roommate that has walked through the door, that hint of smile to be quickly fades. Gavin swears he can see the happiness fall from his face and disappear from his eyes. Gavin knew, he knew he was sick, but he didn’t know how sick until he saw the look Ryan gave him. He decides then and there that Michael would never see him this way. He would do everything in his power to keep Michael from seeing just how far Gavin has fallen. There’s no way he would let Michael think that this was because they weren’t friends anymore, no way he would give him that power.

  
He could hear Michael in the next room over, hear him laughing and joking and being perfectly fine. Just like he knew he would be. Perfectly fine without him. Just like everyone eventually would be. Kicking himself for thinking Michael would even miss him, Gavin holds the tears behind his eyes and gathers his shower supplies: shampoo, soap, towel, and…staring at the shaving razor he feels the crave begin in his chest. How it calls to him telling him that everything will go away for a while if he only tries again. Swallowing hard, he closes his eyes and shakes his head, trying to eliminate the thought from his mind. But all he can do is feel the razor on his skin, the blood rush down his feet and between his toes, the spreading burn and subsequent calm as endorphins take over. He told himself he wouldn’t do it again, but he needed it. Being so close to Michael rocked him harder than he thought it would. Grabbing the razor blade he brought with him, he closes and bathroom door and climbs into the shower.

Michael, hearing the door close waits for the shower to begin running so he can pee. The ride from Jersey to Connecticut wasn’t fun, and he didn’t get the chance to use the bathroom before he got here. The shower clicks on, he jumps off his bed, and flings the bathroom door open. It was the biggest regret of his short life. 

He sees Gavin, leaning out of the shower to drop a bloody razor onto the floor behind a pile of his clothes. Gavin freezes as his eyes lock with Michael’s, he knows it’s over. Michael stares at his old best friend. He sees the hallows in his cheeks. He sees his sunken eyes. Then he sees the razor. The razor wet with water and red with blood. Gavin’s blood. 

Michael steps back out of the bathroom and leaves the door wide open. He grabs his phone and his keys and walks out the door dialing Geoff.

“Hey what’s up buddy?”

“Geoff, are you on campus?”

“Yeah, why? Everything alright?”

“No its not. I need a bottle and a shoulder tonight. I’m a fucking wreck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm really sorry about this taking so long. Between school, two jobs, and writer's block...this kind of got away from me. A smaller chapter to just get things rolling again I suppose. If you have feedback I'd love it!


End file.
